JUST IN ENGLISH TODAY: I´ve been lost outside my self for some time now. And I still am. Thoughts like “will I ever reach out my hand to myself again” or “will I be able to struggle so much for so long” appears in me all the time. This is a big time personal post, but I feel it´s OK. If you don´t like it, stop reading, it´s fine. I will get back to dark interiors, thrift store findings and Villa Betula on a cover later.
People could never tell that I´m functioning bad just by looking at me. I look quite healthy. But inside I can feel rotten and terrified. Sometimes full of anxiety, apathy, grief and anger. Always very fragile. Why do I tell you this? Because I´m not ashamed. It´s not my fault. I don´t want this, and would never choose it. And mental illness is still taboo. Believe me… But instead of sitting down doing nothing all the time, I manage to do some things by heart, and that´s important! This blog is not a superficial and fake place, but it´s a place where I share some of my passion, engagement and show myself that I can. I can. And everybody can.
I have a very different life, I think. It´s not all about routines, that all days looks the same or feeling stuck in others expectations of me. If I point out some of the good things, I have a lovely husband, I make music together with him and we are in the middle of recording our second album. We travel several times a year (on a low budget, and it works!) and we even work together from our home which we love.
How can I wish for more, you ask? Well, I never know when I´m able to do some work, I never know if I will ge my nightmares out og my head during the day, I never know if I will make it to planned appointments, I never know in the morning how I will feel after just two minutes, ten minutes, two hours, ten hours. I know so little about how my days and nights will be, and I work desperately hard to learn how to deal with it.
I get much help and work almost too hard to get better, and I get exhausted. Exhausted to keep myself on “the right side”. One out of two times I make it. Why can´t I make it all the time? Why can´t I just stop being like this? It´s difficult to be good to myself being like this. When it gets too hard, like now, I take a step out and I get lost there. How to get back on track, how did I do that again? And then all my energy have to be spend on not getting mad at myself because I don´t make it back on track – instead of getting back on track… Get it?…