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VILLA BETULA

the dark hues of maren ingeborg gråblomst

A VERY FRAGILE AND PERSONAL ONE

11/12/2016

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JUST IN ENGLISH TODAY: I´ve been lost outside my self for some time now. And I still am. Thoughts like “will I ever reach out my hand to myself again” or “will I be able to struggle so much for so long” appears in me all the time. This is a big time personal post, but I feel it´s OK. If you don´t like it, stop reading, it´s fine. I will get back to dark interiors, thrift store findings and Villa Betula on a cover later. 

People could never tell that I´m functioning bad just by looking at me. I look quite healthy. But inside I can feel rotten and terrified. Sometimes full of anxiety, apathy, grief and anger. Always very fragile. Why do I tell you this? Because I´m not ashamed. It´s not my fault. I don´t want this, and would never choose it. And mental illness is still taboo. Believe me… But instead of sitting down doing nothing all the time, I manage to do some things by heart, and that´s important! This blog is not a superficial and fake place, but it´s a place where I share some of my passion, engagement and show myself that I can. I can. And everybody can. 

I have a very different life, I think. It´s not all about routines, that all days looks the same or feeling stuck in others expectations of me. If I point out some of the good things, I have a lovely husband, I make music together with him and we are in the middle of recording our second album. We travel several times a year (on a low budget, and it works!) and we even work together from our home which we love.

How can I wish for more, you ask? Well, I never know when I´m able to do some work, I never know if I will ge my nightmares out og my head during the day, I never know if I will make it to planned appointments, I never know in the morning how I will feel after just two minutes, ten minutes, two hours, ten hours. I know so little about how my days and nights will be, and I work desperately hard to learn how to deal with it.

I get much help and work almost too hard to get better, and I get exhausted. Exhausted to keep myself on “the right side”. One out of two times I make it. Why can´t I make it all the time? Why can´t I just stop being like this? It´s difficult to be good to myself being like this. When it gets too hard, like now, I take a step out and I get lost there. How to get back on track, how did I do that again? And then all my energy have to be spend on not getting mad at myself because I don´t make it back on track – instead of getting back on track… Get it?…

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  1. Dev says

    24/12/2016 at 08:25

    Although this doesn’t fit in with your usual posts I commend you being honest about how you feel and giving a more rounded picture of yourself. I hope you overcome some of the issues you face on a day to day basis and continue your path to personal growth. I think many people live life in and out of the public eye with issues but you never hear until it’s too late.
    This post has resonated with me on a personal level as I have felt the same alone for a long time.

    Reply
    • villabetula says

      24/12/2016 at 11:15

      Thanks for your kind words Dev, and when it hits someone on a personal level it makes me feel like I did a good thing. Merry Christmas to you!

      Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Ukas 5 inspirerende says:
    13/12/2016 at 09:12

    […] Maren Ingeborg skriver et innlegg om psykisk helse. Noe jeg synes er et fint innslag i en ellers så velstelt og striglet blogghverdag. […]

    Reply
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ABOUT ME

I do and share things by heart. I create personal texts, am a musician, sell original art and prints, make a special home and capture the magic with my camera – everything rather dark hued. Villa Betula is not just skimming the tops.

And by the way - my name is Maren Ingeborg Gråblomst and I’m Norwegian. Gråblomst means grey flower.

Feel free to comment on my posts and get in touch for collaborations or other inquiries at contact@villabetula.com

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