Let’s have a talk about yesterday, my first day travelling alone. As I wrote from the airport there was some tears and a lump in my throat. The logistics and navigation, which can freak me out sometimes, did go very well. It was sunny and this place is really nice. I spent some time photographing before I suddenly started to cry, and I couldn’t even sit down. But in not too long I was ready to shop some groceries down at the corner, and I actually bought pretty much all the food I’ll need for a week or so, and felt good about my healthy delicious choices.
Afterwards I went to eat some Thai, where my ex-husband and I ate in May, and it was for sure not the smartest place to go. My life is at fragile times built up by lots of triggers, and as I’m typing I don’t understand how I could navigate into that restaurant. It was a hungry stomach and a lack of thought. I got up my pen and paper to write. It became a nice poem, maybe that’s the unconscious reason I ended up there. Anyway, the lump in my throat made the food horrible, and I payed before I had eaten up. Quick steps carried me back to the apartment, and I cried without no chance to stop, and ended up having an anxiety attack.
It left me terrified to be alone, terrified of the fact that I’m having a total heartbreak for the first time in my life. Not regretting the break up, but still loving him. That’s one of the reason I couldn’t carry on, and few people can understand that, I guess. And I have no one to contact when life hits me this hard. I keep everyone out in the periphery, because I can’t function well in close relationships. I’m damned if I do, and damned if I don’t, and it frightens me. Again.
But this time I’m choosing myself. I stood here behind a door so no one could see me from the outside, constantly repeating that no one cares, no one knows me and no one could ever understand me, and I am totally alone, it’s my nature, and I can’t take it. Well, no one really knows me, and no one can understand someone else entirely, but I know that someone cares. I care. I have started to care a lot about myself, and that’s why I’m here, that’s why I’m pulling myself trough this. I told myself it’s me and me now, and the reason why is because I choose to, because you and me is too rough on every cell in my body and soul.
So that’s how far I’ve got on planning my new business concept while I’m here…