When I learned that shaming
my journey was creating a voice
that wouldn’t speak up
I discovered why i’d been
quiet all these years.
– Alex Elle
So, since so much is going on in my life right now with the divorce and all that comes with it, why not topping it off with some diagnosis talk? I guess there’s many reason not to do it all at once, but I’m ready. One of the reasons I share this with you now, is that I quite sudden became one of the (now) sixteen members of the expert group in the National Competence Service for Personality Psychiatry in Norway. Which is quite a big deal for me! And second: I don’t feel shame anymore. Why in the world should I feel shame for my diagnosis, where does that idea come from!?
Pour yourself some coffee and some chocolate and take your time to read… Maybe you’ll recognize something? Yourself or someone close? Everyone can learn something of this post. Everyone.
This is me. Most of you have seen me before. Today it’s lots of me. I’m not hiding at all.
Joining this expert group will be another thing that takes my time, but what can possibly be better than to share my story from my perspective as “the one with a disorder” with professionals that work with this on a daily basis? And hopefully make the system and treatment better, and to reach out to others with diverse personality disorders. To talk for an audience, be part of discussion panels and speak up – knowing that someone is actually listening and learning. What an opportunity, I’m so grateful!
Photo: Linda Eliasson, no one has ever captured me this soft, thank you Linda.
Remembering doesn’t
always mean to relive.
Sometimes it is simply
a reminder to give yourself
thanks for making it out alive.
-Alex Elle
Sketch by Jennie Blomkvist for my book project
Photo: Matilda Audas Björkholm
How much I’ve hated my reflection. Like pure hate. I don’t do that anymore. How bad myself and some others have treated me, how many scars I have on the inside and outside. It’s a part of me, and most of the time I accept it. It doesn’t mean what’s happened is fine, but I let it go much easier. I don’t want to be a slave to my story.
So, I already mentioned it – personality disorder. Mine is called emotionally unstable personality disorder, also called borderline/ bpd. I was diagnosed three and a half year ago, but have not been able to tell others what I suffer from. You know why? Because people might think they can know who I am by googling it, and make up seriously untrue stories. Who can tell your true tale except from you?
It’s a terrifying thought that people think they know me just by hearing the word borderline, and the world is far from that simple. I know about people who would think like that – that I would be what they read. But those people ain’t gonna have this much control over me anymore, because I am me and I actually quite like it.
Borderline to me and my life is about lack of trust because I really haven’t had a good reason to trust (and it’s extremely difficult to learn this when your an adult!), extreme sudden changes in mood and behavior, seeking control, triggers everywhere and how to deal with them, showing the worst and most insecure part of myself in close relationships, dysfunctional emotional regulation (two parts of my brain doesn’t speak that well together as they are suppose to, but I practice every day to make them work more smoothly), and sorting out what comes from within me and what comes from others?
Sometimes it feels like a sixth sense that is no good at all. But at long as I manage to sort out all of the things above, this “sense” is a huge gift to me. It makes me able to do, create and master big things.
My disorder is my main job. Really. To make my life work is my headliner every day. To be kind, soft and accepting towards myself also makes me a much better person for others to be around. It’s been a lot like hell. When I don’t want to wake up ever again – everything is black. Every thing you can imagine is not worth anything in that moment. And those moments have lasted for many days sometimes. It can take thirty seconds to turn everything upside down, and it can take thirty days to recover. Mental hospital and years of treatment. But god damn it – here I am, despite it all! So now I’m ready to steer my own ship and be a part of this magical journey in a way that I can handle.
Photo: my daughter, no one has ever captured me so happy, natural and with wind in my short hair
This paragraph is so important that I hope some of you read it twice:
I know how important it can be to be met in the emotional state you’re in, I’m almost an expert here, because I know that one of the most destructive things you can do to someone is not to listen when they need it the most. It’s heartbreaking! You don’t have to agree or increase the drama, but you do a big positive difference to someone if you say something like “I understand you’re in a very difficult state of mind and feel very sad/ afraid/ angry/ devastated right now. It will get better even though it doesn’t feels like it this moment. What do you need right now?”. And very often I have seemed very angry, that’s what I show, but actually I’m so sad and afraid that I can’t stand on my feet. My emotions have made my legs paralyzed for hours, and it’s one of the most frightening things I know.
I want to learn my daughter and her generation, and hopefully my generation (and older ones) too, to not avoid the difficult emotions and let mental illnesses still be tabu. It is not OK! I want to speak up, I want an open dialogue, I want to be proud of myself and I want my daughter to be proud of me and be the bravest person she knows. I want her to talk about her difficulties, and I want her generation to talk together. Listen to each other, ask difficult questions, speak up. You might save someone!
Photo: my daughter
Where I’m at right now is practicing what to do with all the thoughts that arises all the time. Every brain wants to think, it’s natural, but what to do with the thoughts? Most important to me now is not to push thoughts away, but yet not follow them. To let them pass. Takes quite a lot of daily practice, I tell you!
… And I can tell a lot by someone by what they choose to see in me, and I have decided to focus on the humble and soft people who get it and who are listening. Thank you in advance for thinking twice before you post an inappropriate comment to this post.
You loving yourself
opens up windows and
doors that can never be
closed by outsiders without
permission.
-Alex Elle
If you care about an open dialogue and knowledge about mental health, I would be forever grateful if you shared this post in some way on your social channels. It will help me helping others <3
Ditt mod och din styrka att dela med dig känns i hela hjärtat. Tack Maren Ingeborg Gråblomst för att du är du, för att du gör den resan du gör och för att du skapar och inspirerar på vägen <3.
Å, Sanna… <3 Jeg er så utrolig glad for at våre veier ble krysset og at du tar deg tiden til å lytte og respondere. Tusen takk, du er selv en diamant!
What a great contribution your participation in this study will be. As for me, I pray to be a “humble and soft person” myself (in between my own fluctuations. The subtitle of one of my blogs is “Sane, Simple, and Sacred”. These three, when in balance and practiced, keep me grounded. Help me survive. You ARE strong, my friend. Hang on for the journey!
Thank you Rebecca <3
Maren, I read every word with care. You are such an inspiration to me. Thank you for sharing your journey..
xo
Dear Andrea, I’m so glad you’re telling me, thank you!
Å Maren så modigt och så fint skrivet. Tror detta är helt rätt både för dig men också för att allmänt lära folk som inte lider av detta att förstå. Stor kram!
Kjære Mari, tusen takk for gode ord og støtte, det varmer skal du vite <3 God helg og klem til deg!
For et mot. For en styrke. For et prosjekt! Jeg heier på deg!
Så snilt av deg å heie på meg, Marit! Yay, takk! God helg <3
Yes! Show your true colours! These were the genes you were born with – for better and for worse. There is only shame in this if you feel shameful about it – and why should you – you could not chose your genes. We need openness about health issues, because only that way can we ensure that people with a diagnosis get their basic human right – because too many don’t – and fight for them daily, AS I am sure you must too. I’m so happy you decided to share! Love you disorder, I know it makes life harder, but it’s there and it also give you super power! Stand strong – I stand with you!
Thanks my love 😉 I choose to think of it as a super power, yes!!!
Det är så starkt att du bidrar till att avdramatisera detta. Hos oss är du bland vänner som förstår modet i detta och att jobbigast är för dig och ingen annan. Vi hjälper till att hålla troll och annat oknytt borta ifall de vågar titta fram. Stora kramar till dig inspirerande Maren Ingeborg Gråblomst! <3
Kjære deg, tusen takk! Er det noen som er inkluderende, godhjertede og inspirerende så er det i hvert fall deg, din kjære fru og barna deres! Heia dere og det store hjerterommet dere gir meg, det er noe helt spesielt <3 God myk helg til deg og dine nå!
Maren. I read this twice.thank you for your honesty &vulnerability.I feel reaĺly privileged to share your experience.sending you love.kara xx
I wish I could give you a real hug! It must be a virtual one with a great thanks and lots of love <3
Oh Maren I send you my love and big soft hugs..you are a beautiful person you are you.
Thanks a lot Miriam <3
Maren, this was really touching to read. And to know how emotional that must have been to write and share. I know a bit about how tough mental illness can be. My husband has had a really tough time over all these years we’ve been together dealing with mental issues (he’s never really been diagnosed, just given meds), and it’s been tough for me not knowing how to cope. So big hugs to you and I hope this new chapter in your life is a rockin’ one that leads to much happiness. XOXO
Dear Kim, thanks for letting me know about your husband, it must be very difficult for your both. It’s n o t easy to be the one in a relationship with someone who suffer from mental issues. I hope your husband get the best treatment he could get, and that you also learn together how to cope. Goooood I wish you didn’t live in Canada!!! Lotsa love <3
Kära, kära Maren Ingeborg Gråblomst. Jag är så glad och tacksam att våra vägar korsats. Du är en av de modigaste jag vet. Samtidigt som du är så otroligt begåvad, inspirerande som få och väldigt fin att tillbringa dagar med. För mig är du alltid DU oavsett diagnos, det vet du redan. Och du är perfekt och så bra, exakt så som jag lärt känna dig! Men jag vet att du kommer att vara en sådan otrolig tillgång genom att dela med dig av detta. Att sätta just dig i ett expertråd är helt perfekt! Vilken otrolig ynnest, du kommer göra sådan skillnad. Du kommer hjälpa andra som är i samma situation och de som ska hjälpa. Och även dig själv, din resa har liksom bara börjat. Här kommer kramar genom luften till dig <3
Og du da, som den skinnende stjernen på himmelen, du er best. Ingen protest 😉 Du må være det beste mennesket som finnes, altså virkelig, du har liksom alt. Og nå engasjerer du deg også i dette, og jeg blir helt sjele-myk, jeg har ikke ord. Jeg må tilbake til Sverige og gi deg en klem!!
Dear Maren, thanks for sharing this! Your blog is so personal and that’s what makes it so alive. Yes, I do love your photography too and that’s what brought me here in the first place. But out of all the blogs that I follow yours is the only one I read from the first word to the last.
I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I don’t have your diagnosis but I have plenty of my own issues. I don’t know how I got here and I don’t know how to get out. But I know that the first step is to come to terms with what you are and stop thinking that with a little effort you could be something different, you could be like everybody else. Stop hating the reflection in the mirror (been there, done that), and go one step at a time. It seems that you are already there. Or at least moving in the right direction. I wholeheartedly wish you to find ways to cope and be happy.
Speaking of happy, you look so great in the pictures taken by your daughter! She’s quite a photographer! I guess we all look prettiest and happiest when somebody we love is taking our photos. I noticed that I look best in those pics that my daughter takes too. I guess just the way we look at our kids does the trick 🙂
I wish the 2 of you a very happy life.
Hi Olga, and a big thank you! It’s a huge compliment that you read every word of my blog, I know that it takes quite a lot to read everything! I got 2-3 blogs where I read everything, at those people do feel really special to me. Your words are amazing, and I’ve read it several times and also told my daughter <3
Dearest Maren
I get it. My younger sister has bpd and after almost a lifetime of watching her struggle, our family struggle, our relationship fail and rebuild many times, the pain and the stress and the constant wondering….I do feel like I understand it all so much more now. It doesn’t just go away and she can’t just change like our family always hopes will happen. She doesn’t acknowledge it though or tries to do anything to help herself be more healthy, in fact, it’s the opposite. It’s incredibly painful for me, but I know it’s so much for her, and my mother’s guilt is sometimes unbearable.
You’re brave to not let it conquer you and you’re brave to share. I’m sure your daughter is proud of you and you should always be proud of yourself, you do beautiful things.
People miss out when they choose to judge us on the little parts of ourselves. xo
Dear Sarah, thanks for sharing your story, it must be very difficult for you all… So very very very many people with bpd goes in “the wrong direction”, and I feel truly blessed I’m not there. I could have been, really. And it terrifies me!! It’s something like 20% of people with this diagnosis that learns to cope with it… But I wish no one gave it up. Though I have felt like giving up myself many times. I wish your sister all the best <3
Imponert over deg, altså, Maren Ingeborg! Det er ikke alle som tør å stå frem og vise sine sårbare sider, det står utrolig stor respekt av at du deler og er deg selv. Kjenner til både kronisk fysisk og psykisk sykdom og det å være pårørende til psykisk syke over flere år….vet selv så utrolig godt hvor mørkt ting kan bli, men også at en diagnose ikke er hele mennesket. Det skapes mening ut av det meningsløse når man får en mulighet til å hjelpe andre og dra veksel på det man har måttet lære på den harde måten, tror jeg. Du kommer til å få bety mye for andre og oppleve masse bra fremover, det er jeg helt sikker på, gleder meg til å lese fortsettelsen. Ha en fortsatt god helg, klem <3
Hei og tusen takk! Det er så fint at du også deler av deg litt om dine erfaringer, da står man brått ikke så alene når folk kan snakke om disse vanskelige tingene! Så glad du vil følge fortsettelsen <3 God helg!
I hear you, I understand you, I feel you. I loved reading your post, you’re such an inspiration. All my support and good wishes to you, you beautiful & courageous girl 🙂
Sweetest kindest Susana, it felt so comforting to get your comment, thanks a lot <3
<3
Thanks <3