VILLA BETULA

WORKSHOP THOUGHTS A LITTLE FURTHER – I’M JUMPING UP AND DOWN!

01/05/2018

First: I re-did the photos from the living room for the sale of this house. This is the third time I do it, can’t believe I keep doing it again, but I never get satisfied! This way of photographing is so out of my comfort zone, and I’ve learned a lot. This is not going to be my new job, haha, but I’m glad I did it this time. In two weeks it will be out there on the market for sale, and let me tell you it feels all weird. I naturally keep distancing myself from it every day, and it feels alright, even though this place is gold. The new owners will be lucky! What saves me a little is that I know I’m going to move in to a place which I most likely will adore…

So, except from taking these photos today I’ve taken two steps forward in my new workshop/ retreat thoughts! So exciting that I need to jump up and down! My goal is to have two workshops in the last part of this year. Both together with some seriously skilled and interesting people. One of them will be in English because someone is most likely going to travel a looooong way to make sure you can learn some serious cool stuff. Yes YOU – this is for everybody! All you need is to be curious, like photography and have a decent phone. You won’t have to have a proper fab camera, isn’t it exciting?! You can use a camera too, off course you can 😉

I never use my phone for photo since my phone is really bad and I love my Canon, but this will be smashing, I tell you. If I want it to happen, it will happen. Do you want it to happen, does it sounds exciting? Since it will be in english it will be very available for nearly everyone.

Pssst – that painting on the wall is for sale!

So next up is some scampi and chickpeas wraps before I dive into my second workshop idea later tonight. Hopefully I will make some plans with someone I adore, and be able to share it all with you later! That one will not be in English, but two different Scandinavian languages 😉 See ya! And oh – the brunch club thing will also happen, starting late summer or early autumn in my new pad!

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LOVE MAKING HEAT

30/04/2018

This post is sponsored by Eskimo

Yes I know, I know, it’s suppose to be spring and warm and everything. Instead Aslan, the cat, and I are staying inside in some kind of a cold and stormy weather this last evening in April. What could possibly be a better timing to share my work for the British brand Eskimo?! I got a pallet delivered with three huge wooden boxes on it, each with one radiator inside. But I wouldn’t call them radiators, I would call them some kind of high end hot heating! This is interior design at a high level, and I know you’re interested in that! I wish I needed to keep them, and didn’t have to ship them back…

I seriously love to collaborate with people and brands that has such a strong believe in my way of interpreting their products into my home and my way of creating. I had a blast, and I even made Aslan seem like he enjoyed it too! I feel so free when I work, and it’s a kind of dreamy even though I do put a lot of effort into it, off course.

So this blue one called Ron, gosh it looked so amazing, and combined with the colour of our studio it turned out rather smashing, or what do you think? Form and function creates this great harmony, did I hear anyone say engineering excellence? Remember my post behind these scenes by the way?

You need to be super cool to choose the pop art radiator. I would never guess this piece of art was a radiator, and I love the fact that Eskimo is so bold! I wondered how to style it, and then I told myself “Hey, you don’t use to think when you work, you just have to do it“. So I just did it, and they love it, and I get happy and humble and want to do more!

Yes, cool and playful!

Next up had to go in to my theatrical black bedroom, no doubt about that. The leopards and tall gorgeous column radiator were competing to get the most attention from the evening sun. I think the column is very clean and sophisticated, and I always love things that makes some reflection of the natural light to bounce it a little extra around the room, just like my mirrored night stand is doing as well.

If you live in a home with radiators I wouldn’t doubt to check out their very good and inspiring webpage. Take a look a all their finishes, I think it looks extraordinary! They’re dusky, rusty, woody or polished, brassed or brushed, copper, concrete or like mirrors and blackboards and so much more, and I get so engaged! When I move this summer I know there are some really old radiators in the apartment, but since it’s a rental I can’t do anything…. but to convince the landlord though… Just gimme some time 😉

MY DAY AND TIME FOR SOME QUESTIONS!

26/04/2018

After a nice breakfast with my daughter, who lives with me every second week, I drove her to school and when I got back I did my morning ritual. You know, the card decks, daily journal and meditation. Sometimes it doesn’t “goes that well” because I think it takes too long, and today was such a day since I where to wrap part I (of three) for a collaboration. And no, it’s not about brewing coffee or dark chocolate, ha ha, but it’s about something warm… More about it later!

I love this book by Ida Magntorn, it’s such a clever and different interior-kind-of-book with focus on the environment and how we can think to take some more responsibility. And my Lunar Force on the card will be back when I re-open my shop.

I do think I should do a coffee collaboration though! I make it look nice, ey? 😉 Not to mention chocolate!! This blingy gorgeous dish and ceramic mug is two of my latest thrift shop findings… I rarely share what I find, maybe I should get better at it?

I always make an opportunity to style with something I can eat and drink, haha, it makes the work even better. And I really enjoyed what I did today, I had a blast! Part I is a wrap and my client is very satisfied about the magic I created today, so the feedback makes it even more fun to continue tomorrow!

This must be my favourite lamp… And safari chair… Two of my can’t live with out. Sure I could, you know, but still… And the colour in our studio is also a favourite.

Aslan was my model today, he had no choice but to pretend he was very happy, warm and comfortable. He did walk away all the time, but I didn’t give up so he had to give up and stayed with me until I was satisfied with his skills 😉

But from one thing to another: is there something in particular you would like to know more about when it comes to my post about mental health? Something about the expert group, my life, my diagnosis, my business combined with my health and so on? Please leave a comment to this post, and I’ll make a new post about the things you wonder or think about. And did you read all the amazing and interesting comments to my first post? So many! Love feedback and engagement, thanks <3

LOTS OF WORK THIS WEEK!

24/04/2018

First: thank you for all the respons and lovely personal messages regarding my last blogpost. You must be the best readers, that’s for sure! And what I’ve realized is that when I’m open and honest, people get a tendency to be open towards me too, and we treat each other with humbleness and respect. Beautiful!

I’ve promised you photos from Sofia‘s house for quite some time, but I have several important tasks and deadlines that’s ripping me a part a little, and I can’t seem to get the editing from her house done! Frustrating, yes, big time! But I’ll get there, I will… That I know for sure.

So this is obviously not Sofia’s home, but our former recording studio in one of the outbuildings. I’ve been out there cleaning and putting in furnitures (have a look at my behind the scenes at my stories at Instagram today! Things are for sure not what they look like…) and photographing for the sale. I’ve also unpacked some huge things that has arrived for a collaboration, and I am to continue that work tomorrow.

As you can see it’s not totally my style in these photos (I need mysterious dark corners!), and photographing for sale has been my most difficult photo task ever! Seriously, and I’m the first one to admit. The biggest problem is that I don’t feel like there’s any creativity or fun styling involved, it’s all about decluttering and minimizing, and it’s not inspiring and does not feel like my home. So I detach a lot from this place as i work with it actually. Which is mostly a good thing since I’m going to move…

The 16th of May the house will be out for sale, and I cope with it quite well actually. Except from the part that I spend at least 4-5 hours every day making it ready for sale. It doesn’t seem to take an end… And I need a minimum of ten hours sleep… #life.

Will I meet you when the house is open for potential buyers? 😉 And why not call or email our very nice realtor, Petter, if you’re a little curious?

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I’M READY: MY DIAGNOSIS (FOR THE FIRST TIME) AND BECOMING A PART OF THE NORWEGIAN EXPERT GROUP FOR PERSONALITY PSYCHIATRY

20/04/2018

When I learned that shaming

my journey was creating a voice

that wouldn’t speak up

I discovered why i’d been

quiet all these years.

– Alex Elle

So, since so much is going on in my life right now with the divorce and all that comes with it, why not topping it off with some diagnosis talk? I guess there’s many reason not to do it all at once, but I’m ready. One of the reasons I share this with you now, is that I quite sudden became one of the (now) sixteen members of the expert group in the National Competence Service for Personality Psychiatry in Norway. Which is quite a big deal for me! And second: I don’t feel shame anymore. Why in the world should I feel shame for my diagnosis, where does that idea come from!?

Pour yourself some coffee and some chocolate and take your time to read… Maybe you’ll recognize something? Yourself or someone close? Everyone can learn something of this post. Everyone.

This is me. Most of you have seen me before. Today it’s lots of me. I’m not hiding at all.

Joining this expert group will be another thing that takes my time, but what can possibly be better than to share my story from my perspective as “the one with a disorder” with professionals that work with this on a daily basis? And hopefully make the system and treatment better, and to reach out to others with diverse personality disorders. To talk for an audience, be part of discussion panels and speak up – knowing that someone is actually listening and learning. What an opportunity, I’m so grateful!

Photo: Linda Eliasson, no one has ever captured me this soft, thank you Linda.

Remembering doesn’t

always mean to relive.

Sometimes it is simply

a reminder to give yourself

thanks for making it out alive.

-Alex Elle

Sketch by Jennie Blomkvist for my book project

Photo: Matilda Audas Björkholm

How much I’ve hated my reflection. Like pure hate. I don’t do that anymore. How bad myself and some others have treated me, how many scars I have on the inside and outside. It’s a part of me, and most of the time I accept it. It doesn’t mean what’s happened is fine, but I let it go much easier. I don’t want to be a slave to my story.

So, I already mentioned it – personality disorder. Mine is called emotionally unstable personality disorder, also called borderline/ bpd. I was diagnosed three and a half year ago, but have not been able to tell others what I suffer from. You know why? Because people might think they can know who I am by googling it, and make up seriously untrue stories. Who can tell your true tale except from you?

It’s a terrifying thought that people think they know me just by hearing the word borderline, and the world is far from that simple. I know about people who would think like that – that I would be what they read. But those people ain’t gonna have this much control over me anymore, because I am me and I actually quite like it.

Borderline to me and my life is about lack of trust because I really haven’t had a good reason to trust (and it’s extremely difficult to learn this when your an adult!), extreme sudden changes in mood and behavior, seeking control, triggers everywhere and how to deal with them, showing the worst and most insecure part of myself in close relationships, dysfunctional emotional regulation (two parts of my brain doesn’t speak that well together as they are suppose to, but I practice every day to make them work more smoothly), and sorting out what comes from within me and what comes from others?

Sometimes it feels like a sixth sense that is no good at all. But at long as I manage to sort out all of the things above, this “sense” is a huge gift to me. It makes me able to do, create and master big things.

My disorder is my main job. Really. To make my life work is my headliner every day. To be kind, soft and accepting towards myself also makes me a much better person for others to be around. It’s been a lot like hell. When I don’t want to wake up ever again – everything is black. Every thing you can imagine is not worth anything in that moment. And those moments have lasted for many days sometimes. It can take thirty seconds to turn everything upside down, and it can take thirty days to recover. Mental hospital and years of treatment. But god damn it – here I am, despite it all! So now I’m ready to steer my own ship and be a part of this magical journey in a way that I can handle.

Photo: my daughter, no one has ever captured me so happy, natural and with wind in my short hair

This paragraph is so important that I hope some of you read it twice:

I know how important it can be to be met in the emotional state you’re in, I’m almost an expert here, because I know that one of the most destructive things you can do to someone is not to listen when they need it the most. It’s heartbreaking! You don’t have to agree or increase the drama, but you do a big positive difference to someone if you say something like “I understand you’re in a very difficult state of mind and feel very sad/ afraid/ angry/ devastated right now. It will get better even though it doesn’t feels like it this moment. What do you need right now?”. And very often I have seemed very angry, that’s what I show, but actually I’m so sad and afraid that I can’t stand on my feet. My emotions have made my legs paralyzed for hours, and it’s one of the most frightening things I know.

I want to learn my daughter and her generation, and hopefully my generation (and older ones) too, to not avoid the difficult emotions and let mental illnesses still be tabu. It is not OK! I want to speak up, I want an open dialogue, I want to be proud of myself and I want my daughter to be proud of me and be the bravest person she knows. I want her to talk about her difficulties, and I want her generation to talk together. Listen to each other, ask difficult questions, speak up. You might save someone!

Photo: my daughter

Where I’m at right now is practicing what to do with all the thoughts that arises all the time. Every brain wants to think, it’s natural, but what to do with the thoughts? Most important to me now is not to push thoughts away, but yet not follow them. To let them pass. Takes quite a lot of daily practice, I tell you!

… And I can tell a lot by someone by what they choose to see in me, and I have decided to focus on the humble and soft people who get it and who are listening. Thank you in advance for thinking twice before you post an inappropriate comment to this post.

You loving yourself

opens up windows and

doors that can never be

closed by outsiders without

permission.

-Alex Elle

If you care about an open dialogue and knowledge about mental health, I would be forever grateful if you shared this post in some way on your social channels. It will help me helping others <3

I’M A REBEL!

19/04/2018

IN COLLABORATION WITH @REBELWALLS

You might knew already, that I’m a rebel? 😉 This time I can be it together with Rebel Walls, which fits me perfectly! It’s all about finding the best when you have to move, like I will have to do this summer, so what could be better than to have this wall mural on my new bedroom?

This mini version of Staircase from their new collection Second Moment is how my wall will look. Imagine that my bed is standing out from the gorgeous railing and with candle lights and old gold frames on my walls, and my jewelry laying on the nightstand… It makes me want to move today! My bedroom will be at “the end” of the apartment so you can see this mural from the living room and trough the kitchen, and make the whole apartment look even bigger and more intriguing. I will never close my bedroom door!

Rebel Walls have written a blogpost about me that made me blush, so head over here if you’re curious!

I’m so definitely going to frame several of these mini versions in my new home, I just have to find some more proper old frames first…

Just try to imagine everything that has happened between these walls – the laughter, cries, the rustling of skirts touching the stairs, the sound of steps and quiet whisperers. All mysteries and all the magic. All dreams that never came true – or the ones that did… What do these murals make you think or feel? I was also thinking of our house outside Prague that will be for sale soon too, so I have to admit that my work of interpret these murals felt very personal and touching…

There are more to come, because this is not the only wall that Rebel Walls (or should I say ceiling too!?) will take care of in my next home. I’m super excited, and I can only see one challenge: who in the world are to put them up? I would never dare to, so leave a comment if you take the job 😉 And jump back in here tomorrow, because my most personal blogpost ever is most likely coming up.. See you!

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LETTING GO, BODISH, SANNA AND SOFIA

15/04/2018

This morning when I woke up I draw a card from something called Inner Compass (more about which card later in this post), that I bought from the lovely Sanna at Bodish in Stockholm. She hasn’t opened yet, but she will open in May, great! Her place was filled with a calm and comforting energy, and I’m def going back to her when I visit Stockholm next time. Sofia took me there, she just knew Sanna and I would have some sort of a chemistry, and we did for sure.

Cutest, kindest…

I could have stayed like forever!

Conversations all the time. The kind of conversations I mentioned in yesterday’s post, remember? I soften…

Photographing, and some of Sofia’s photos from this visit you can see here.

This is the third day I use Inner Compass, and the first two days I draw the same card! And there’s many cards in the deck, believe me… Those days was all about taking everything step by step. I know there are some new readers in here now, so just let me tell you that I’m in the middle of a divorce, and you will understand my perspective a little better.

So, over to this mornings card: letting go. Let me write it all down to you, and maybe it can do some good for you too, I hope so. Here we go:

Letting go is a powerful act! Once you learn to let go, you can move ahead. You are no longer trapped in your own pain and problems. To let go is to surrender, and this starts with acceptance. From time to time you shall stumble and fall, and unwanted things are bound to happen. After all, hard lessons are part of being human. This you cannot change, but you can change the way you deal with adversity. Investigate what the real problem is, and how your ego might still be resting. As long as you listen to this voice of the ego, you will not be able to fully accept the problem or pain. Let go of control and the wisdom to overcome the unwanted will follow automatically. Maybe not the wisdom to solve it, but at least to detach yourself from it. Visualize your pain in a balloon that you let go and send away forever. Stop clinging. Letting go is an act of consciousness. It is a choice to be free of resentment. In order to reach your maximum potential you must learn to let go , this is the key to freedom.

I’m on my way, it will just take some time. Maybe a very long time. And during this time I want to visit Stockholm at least four times a year, and I should seriously look for a sponsor to make it happen 😉

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FRIDAY IN THE MIRROR

13/04/2018

My hair is shorter than ever. My clothes are black with a personal quote – have you ever regretted pleasing people? It’s from one of the songs on our second album. I’m lost in time, which means I’m working with something important constantly, but still there’s so much still to be done. Like blogging. Take photographs the way I like to photograph. Declutter and write mails. I take one step at a time, I think that’s the most important thing for my health and well being right now.

Today I were to tidy my bedroom, photograph it for the sale of the house, edit and send them. Deliver a key, do my daily morning routine and deal with a world filled with uncomfortable triggers. And my daughter got sick and had to stay home from school. But still I made it all, and at the same time I’ve been a very comforting and happy mother. She’s my best medicine right now.

There’s so much I want to tell you about the people I met in Stockholm. How I think about the fact that there might be some people around in my neighborhood too that could match me just as good. The deep and personal conversations that never ends, the way we think business, the way I get inspired and greeted… That’s what I want in my life now: the amazing conversations. Without judgement and with curiosity and humbleness big time. Those without filter, the honest ones, the crappy ones, the ones that touches my soul and heart, and those who comes from my heart and soul. I want to share with those who can take it. On Monday I have a phone meeting with someone important who can make this happen – letting me sharing more than ever, because I need to do it for others and myself, and I’m ready. I’ll get back to that.

I have so many photos from my days with Sofia and Lotta, and I will show you. Of course I will, I’ve just spent a little longer to get done than what I first thought. Still working on it. Loving to work on it since it brings me right back into something very special.

I’m very tired every night, and it’s fine. I’m not filled to the edge with anxiety, which is great. I’m still here despite it all, and I’m never to give up. There’s such a magical road every day, no matter what it brings. It doesn’t feel like it every second, actually far from it, but I want to try and see it all more as a mysterious journey.

My biggest task at the moment is to let the thoughts be just that – not deny them or push them away, and not instinctively follow the urge or craving to get lost in thoughts. It always ends up in something destructive if I do. That’s my Friday night thoughts, and thanks for being patient with me. I love to have you hanging around on my blog and Instagram. I wish you a soft and accepting weekend.

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