VILLA BETULA

AND HOW THE RAIN AND I CRIED

04/04/2018

Today has been a day full of grief. Writing words down on paper, they’re made for him to read, but maybe I’ll be the only reader. Was on my way out to get my head onto something else by working on my new concept, had just put my jacket on. I lifted my bag up when the rain smashed against the window as sudden as my tears have burst down me cheeks endless times today. I don’t count, but I feel hopeless and brave at the same time.

These photos are from my Monday at the botanical garden…

The rain is still as I type, and my eyes are a little red and looks old, but I will put that bag up on my shoulder again. On my way out to refresh this soul of mine a little.

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LagreLagre

MY OWN EMBROIDERY DESIGN AND MORE

03/04/2018

Hi Tuesday! Did you see my lack of eye make-up and wrinkled face on my stories today? I’m rambling more and more in front of the camera, and think it’s nice to show you a bit more of who I am. I have some issues about my skin from long time back, so it’s not like I’m putting it all out there. But with more acceptance comes more confidence too.

I was not to talk about skin, but embroidery. A while ago Sofia wrote about bag-all and Jennifer, which resulted in me starting to follow Jennifer’s blog. So I brought a couple of tees from home to get my own text on them! Great idea, right? I had many text ideas, and didn’t make up my mind before I was standing in front of the embroidery machine today. First was a pink tee which got love me not in red, I love it. Quite a statement though… And next had to be gold who are you without them on black. Yes, who are you really without them?

Some very deeply wanted dark blue converse for my daughter, and actually a “converse bag” from bag-all for her too. She will be so excited, she’s not used to get things like this on an “every day”. With things like this I mean things that she could live without, like an extra pair of shoes. But yes. I wanted to say yes this time. Well, she won’t know until I get back home 😉

And the only thing I knew I where to buy here was shoes for myself. Maybe sneakers, but I’m not a sneakers person anymore, really, haven’t been in years. I love old worn leather shoes. So I ended up with leather, but I’m still confused about my own choice to get white! It was a type of Dr. Martens I have not seen before (but I’m not very up to date on anything). They look like the original ones, those I walk with almost all winter. But these are one third of the weight and look slightly different, they are so comfortable that I’ll probably get along with them. Maybe even love them, I just have to be able to see myself with white shoes first.

Ok ok ok… I’ve spent too much today. I compensate by eating and drinking very little coffee outside. I make food and coffee in the apartment almost all the time, which is nice for my wallet. That made it possible to buy my first Nygårdsanna shirt, right? I know this will be one of those garments that I will use year after year, so much that people will notice, and my daughter will let me know she’s tired of it. I even got an easter-goodie-bag, and it was so so so cute, and I love the pattern. Will keep it forever.

Blue doesn’t get prettier than this one. Some day I will put it on and show you!

At bag-all I also bought this padded bag for my camera for times when I just want to throw it quick in to a regular bag, and not my rather big camera bag. Very practical and needed, I usually put a scarf around it and it drives me mad!

And this Rupi Kaur book, of course. I think I’ve “read it all” on the internet, but this one is a must have. Not sneak on the internet if you are not thinking to buy it – the writers, musicians, painters, everybody who work with their creativity, deserves to sell to keep up their amazing work.

Gosh, can’t believe I show myself in so little clothes, ha ha, this is as undressed as you will get me! 😉 I was trying on the two embroidery tees and my Nygårdsanna shirt, that’s why. I’m not a singlet person either, I always wear some kind of sleeve. The skin thing again. Which I’ll might talk about later. Now I have about 40 hours to decide which of these three I’ll wear under my blazer when I’ll meet three fabulous and inspiring women Thursday night. I’ll bring my camera (in my new padded mini-bag obvs) and show you later who these people are… Well, let me tell you one of them is Sofia. Can’t wait to meet her again!

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MY NEW CONCEPT – PART I – I’M EXCITED!

02/04/2018

It’s all about my first thoughts about my new concept today, and to illustrate it I’ve used photos from the apartment in Stockholm that I will stay in for another week to work on this. It’s such a nice place, and I feel very comfortable even though it’s much white;)

I’m really excited about this! Let’s dive into the core of my partly new thoughts business-wise! Yesterday I was working at a café for two hours, and here’s what I’m thinking: My vision is to do even more of what I love and push it two steps further. Sometimes two steps further means outside the comfort zone, for sure.

First I divided it into categories which are everyday, weekly, monthly, seasons, longterm projects, general and extra.

So, generally my way to my new concept is to share and serve more. To treat those of you who want to like VIP’s. Not kidding, wait and see! I’m not loosing myself in this, I think it will have the opposite effect: I will carry on being me with my struggles, mental illness and everyday life, and show that despite this it’s possible to master things! I can do it – you can do it!

Being me will make my content unique – because we are all unique, and the thought of this gives me strenght. Everybody else is taken, you have to be yourself no matter how difficult it can be at times. And one of my biggest strengths is to be brave and share what I do to make my life as kind, soft and balanced as possible. And how it all messes up every now and then, and how I cope with it.

My everyday category covers more blogging, which again means more photographing and editing, more rambling and most likely some new categories in here. It also covers keep up making and selling original paintings! My two biggest priorities in my new apartment will be to always have canvases and paint, and iMac and camera ready at all times. I have to make it easy for myself to get started, and to continue.

Weekly includes two things, and both of them happens every other week: week 1 & 3 is a newsletter (this is where you get to be my VIP, more about that later) and week 2 & 4 a brunch club at my pad, most likely in the tower for 3-5 people every time (you’ll have to sign up)! I was thinking that one of the brunches will be in the middle of the week, and the other one maybe on a weekend, what do you prefer? It’s the talking-together-about-everything-and-eat-home-made-food-kind-of-brunch, but I would like my partisipants to wish for topics if there’s something special you would like me to talk about. I’ve also been thinking about inviting someone every now and then to talk about different interesting topics that I think many of you would like.

The monthly category will be a little boring to you as it’s about me remembering to push my longterm projects one or ten steps further, not let them stay in silence too long.

But the season category will appeal to many of you, I hope, and though it is very diffuse at the moment, it’s about workshops & retreats. Hurray! *cough*, this will definitely be one of the things that will push me out of my comfort zone! I’m already thinking a bit about who I would like to work with, and the names are very interesting and goals very high. Very… Keep your eyes peeled and fingers crossed. I want this to be so good that you’ll stay awake for several days, and start saving some money for the ticket, because you’re afraid of missing out when it’s time to sign up, ha ha!

Longterm-projects will be very time demanding in periods, stuck in periods and gives my lot of flow other times. Earlier I’ve been working quite much with longterm projects in music and short films, and it can be so very frustrating! In film I totally lost it, because it takes practically years from an idea is born to the film is done, if you where lucky to get money to make them, and you always have to work at many big projects at once. I don’t like it, I like things to happen! In music one song can be done in “no time”, and that’s satisfying, but it takes time from it’s done in the studio until it’s actually out there on vinyl.

That was a digression, I think I’m mentally preparing to dare to jump on some new longterm things, and I will make it happen! One of the projects that I will continue to work on is my book project with this amazing illustrator ,and hopefully it will force me to go to Varberg in Sweden to meet her 😉 The other project is something I’ve been invited to do, top secret so far, but it was so exciting and so overwhelming to be asked that I said yes immediatly! Because why not?!

My third, and so far last, longterm project is music. Yep, I’m not a quitter! My ex-husband and I have released two albums (vinyl and all streaming services) under the name Gråblomst, and we where already planning the third. But there won’t be a third, but at the same time I will never say never. Anyway I’m thinking of making some weird and beautiful things solo! Gosh, out of my comfort zone again!

And then it’s the general category, because I couldn’t find a better word for it. Generally I want to make my new home a place that can be used by others. By that I mean to rent it out as office space/ mind space/ project space, whatever you like to call it. If you need a day or two to work on your own, or with a colleague, in a different environment.

I would be there to work on my things too (and be very quiet), and serve coffee whenever you like, and home made lunch included! I also consider to rent out a week at a time when I’m away myself (first possibility will be in October), but it won’t be any air bnb, I have to feel more secure about who’s coming. Maybe it’s you? 😉

Also I want my new home to be assessable as a location for brands and other photographers and businesses, but that will have to be on hold too until I’ve actually moved…

Next up is Family Photo Sessions. Yep, I’m soon ready! In short I can tell you it’s about me coming to your family to capture every day life – natural situations and portraits while you’re doing things together. You’ll get photos back in high-res that you’ve been able to choose yourself (for the ability to print fine art photos) and for web-use, and you can order a beautiful album too. I will hopefully go to a family in not too long, and then I’ll be able to show you and tell you much more, and you can book time!

The last category, extra. This means things that I want to do, but I have a feeling I might not prioritize these things in a while. First up is portraits – portrait people sounds exciting and would be new to me. Maybe to get the story behind each and every one, work in both text and photo. Next up is film, and by that I mean to film more for my blog. It can be quite much job, but it would be nice to use it to show you more of what I do, and to make some live photos from the brunch club and me making paintings and so on. Would you like films?

Home tours is another one that I would like to put more effort into. I know about one home that I am to photograph in my town, but if you know about some special homes close to Hamar you’ll have to email me!

As you understand all of this will not happen over night, but there’s no such thing as overnight success, right? I’m working my very best to take care of myself and my business, and I will push it further! Hope you’ve enjoyed to get to know more, and please leave a comment with your immediate thoughts, that is very welcoming <3

Make sure you follow me on Instagram to see my stories from my time here, I update frequently 😉

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THE DAY OF A SWAN

01/04/2018

Good evening! The day started with posting this for you, after twelve hours of sleep. Waking up every time I where to move since my body has been rather tense lately. Not very surprising, I guess. Then I was ready for my daily ritual – which have really become daily for more than two hundred days now – meditation. The last months I’ve also added two things to that: my animal spirit cards and my daily meditation journal. It does me good, on “good days” and “bad days” (there is no such thing as good or bad days, really…), and I have not skipped one day trough this divorce period. It’s neve been more important to care for myself than right now.

New flowers on the table since the “queen of the house” gets things on her doorstep pretty much all the time I guess;) Wish I could get some flowers on my doorstep every now and then, too…

So, the sensitive mysterious swan it was today. She represents heightened creativity, and is ready to take us to the fluid realm of writing, creating and reflecting (…) My soul is calling for attention… for solo time. An inner voice is waiting to be heard, an inner vision likely to be revealed.

So after some slow breakfast, light anxiety, quick photos of the state of the bed and suitcase (which is new by the way, an investment for life! That’s at least how I argument to myself when spending too much money on it), I decided to get my pen and paper and head outside for some fresh air and a coffee-stop. The walk lasted for ten minutes, and the stop for two hours. Writing. Sorting, structuring, getting new ideas, working on my vision for my concept/ business/ new villa betula, I don’t know what to call it. It’s clearer what I want and how I want to do it, and I will share more with you tomorrow.

Back to my breakfast. Which looks like it was made for blogging, but I do like to make nice breakfast, and since I’m not very hungry in the morning I need to eat something good. And my two favorites are avocado and mozzarella. I could eat both every day. So simple, so good. Just a little too expensive for every day.

I think I will use this plate every day, think it’s so cute! I also used it for my bean tacos an hour ago, ha ha! Now I was actually going to write an email for some collaboration-stuff, but I’m too tired after less than twelve hours awake. Seem like I will sleep fifty percent of my time in this city. And if that’s what I need, that’s what’s gonna happen. See you again tomorrow, good night!

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LETS HAVE A SERIOUS TALK ABOUT YESTERDAY

01/04/2018

Let’s have a talk about yesterday, my first day travelling alone. As I wrote from the airport there was some tears and a lump in my throat. The logistics and navigation, which can freak me out sometimes, did go very well. It was sunny and this place is really nice. I spent some time photographing before I suddenly started to cry, and I couldn’t even sit down. But in not too long I was ready to shop some groceries down at the corner, and I actually bought pretty much all the food I’ll need for a week or so, and felt good about my healthy delicious choices.

Afterwards I went to eat some Thai, where my ex-husband and I ate in May, and it was for sure not the smartest place to go. My life is at fragile times built up by lots of triggers, and as I’m typing I don’t understand how I could navigate into that restaurant. It was a hungry stomach and a lack of thought. I got up my pen and paper to write. It became a nice poem, maybe that’s the unconscious reason I ended up there. Anyway, the lump in my throat made the food horrible, and I payed before I had eaten up. Quick steps carried me back to the apartment, and I cried without no chance to stop, and ended up having an anxiety attack.

It left me terrified to be alone, terrified of the fact that I’m having a total heartbreak for the first time in my life. Not regretting the break up, but still loving him. That’s one of the reason I couldn’t carry on, and few people can understand that, I guess. And I have no one to contact when life hits me this hard. I keep everyone out in the periphery, because I can’t function well in close relationships. I’m damned if I do, and damned if I don’t, and it frightens me. Again.

But this time I’m choosing myself. I stood here behind a door so no one could see me from the outside, constantly repeating that no one cares, no one knows me and no one could ever understand me, and I am totally alone, it’s my nature, and I can’t take it. Well, no one really knows me, and no one can understand someone else entirely, but I know that someone cares. I care. I have started to care a lot about myself, and that’s why I’m here, that’s why I’m pulling myself trough this. I told myself it’s me and me now, and the reason why is because I choose to, because you and me is too rough on every cell in my body and soul.

So that’s how far I’ve got on planning my new business concept while I’m here…

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AIRPORT RAMBLING

31/03/2018

When life happens in a way that feels like a tornado, the blog (and Instagram) does not get much attention. It’s called life, you all live it, and I’m sure you can relate to this. This tornado is very still though, right now I’m in the middle of where it’s an overwhelming feeling of emptiness – at the airport, traveling alone for the first time, if you don’t count the workshop in December. Knowing that this is the first days of endless days on my own. So many things is different now. The small things that makes my days different, like not sharing calendars with each other, and not having shared plans anymore. It gives me a wet eye and an empty calendar. And there’s a hundred things like this, and it makes everything different. A new life.

Right now on my way to sort out my business, nine days in Stockholm, as you already know. I’m on a good path, I’ve never felt healthier, and it’s almost a shame to say. But lets celebrate honesty. Another part of the true story is that I almost started to cry at the train on my way here, and I’ve had this huge lump in my throat all the time at the airport. But I cried so much last night that I feel I’m in lack of tears. It starts to loosen up now, and I can feel excitement because I’m going to meet some of the lovely Swedish people I met in December, and I’m so ready to concretize my thoughts about “the new villa betula”. The ideas are many, and they involve all of you!

I will share Stockholm-photos, my new plans as they arrive, who I meet and how many cakes I consume the next days. So pop in here often, I might blog every day the coming week 😉 Today I thought it was appropriate to share some photos from my last trip to Sweden, it gives me a warm feeling inside <3

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HELLO PHOTO PHASE/ FACE

24/03/2018

A quick hello, because I miss to feed you frequent posts!

This has been my life, as you know, lately. This is a typical face of mine, but hopefully not a typical phase! The time is special, it’s weird, it’s different, it’s something that I can hardly describe. The words and sentences are swimming around in my head, and I’m looking forward to the day when I get to write them down. And to share it with you. In exactly one week I’ll be going to Stockholm, and I’m looking forward to it. I will be traveling alone for the first time in my life. I’m an anxious type, but still full of strength and bravery. The weirdest thing will probably be living alone when I get back…

Yeah, it’s me again… Anything fun going on out in the world? Tell me! Is anyone of you solo female travellers? Any good advices for safe, sweet and interesting places to travel by myself later on? I’ve already booked one week in Italy with my daughter in July, and we’re so ready. Today we bought shorts! 😉

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SUNDAY MOOD ON A MONDAY

19/03/2018

I forgot it was Monday. That’s life as a freelance with a mental illness that have to find her own way all the time. It’s good and it’s bad, obviously. No one would claim it’s a dream life, I hope. This Sunday, that happened to be on a Monday, has been all about tidying, cleaning, rearranging and making it ready for a big job for me this week: photographing the whole ground floor.

It’s not enough to have only one room ready, like I did on the bathroom, because on the ground floor I’ll have to keep the doors open between every room… Lots of preparations to do in this beautiful mess!

So what you see here is some behind the scenes today while the atelier was bathing in sun, and I had swopped the double bed that used to be the lounge area in here with this daybed that you’ve seen a lot during my blog time. But it was modified today – my husband/ ex-husband (what to say!??) helped me to take the backrest off.