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I’M READY: MY DIAGNOSIS (FOR THE FIRST TIME) AND BECOMING A PART OF THE NORWEGIAN EXPERT GROUP FOR PERSONALITY PSYCHIATRY

20/04/2018

When I learned that shaming

my journey was creating a voice

that wouldn’t speak up

I discovered why i’d been

quiet all these years.

– Alex Elle

So, since so much is going on in my life right now with the divorce and all that comes with it, why not topping it off with some diagnosis talk? I guess there’s many reason not to do it all at once, but I’m ready. One of the reasons I share this with you now, is that I quite sudden became one of the (now) sixteen members of the expert group in the National Competence Service for Personality Psychiatry in Norway. Which is quite a big deal for me! And second: I don’t feel shame anymore. Why in the world should I feel shame for my diagnosis, where does that idea come from!?

Pour yourself some coffee and some chocolate and take your time to read… Maybe you’ll recognize something? Yourself or someone close? Everyone can learn something of this post. Everyone.

This is me. Most of you have seen me before. Today it’s lots of me. I’m not hiding at all.

Joining this expert group will be another thing that takes my time, but what can possibly be better than to share my story from my perspective as “the one with a disorder” with professionals that work with this on a daily basis? And hopefully make the system and treatment better, and to reach out to others with diverse personality disorders. To talk for an audience, be part of discussion panels and speak up – knowing that someone is actually listening and learning. What an opportunity, I’m so grateful!

Photo: Linda Eliasson, no one has ever captured me this soft, thank you Linda.

Remembering doesn’t

always mean to relive.

Sometimes it is simply

a reminder to give yourself

thanks for making it out alive.

-Alex Elle

Sketch by Jennie Blomkvist for my book project

Photo: Matilda Audas Björkholm

How much I’ve hated my reflection. Like pure hate. I don’t do that anymore. How bad myself and some others have treated me, how many scars I have on the inside and outside. It’s a part of me, and most of the time I accept it. It doesn’t mean what’s happened is fine, but I let it go much easier. I don’t want to be a slave to my story.

So, I already mentioned it – personality disorder. Mine is called emotionally unstable personality disorder, also called borderline/ bpd. I was diagnosed three and a half year ago, but have not been able to tell others what I suffer from. You know why? Because people might think they can know who I am by googling it, and make up seriously untrue stories. Who can tell your true tale except from you?

It’s a terrifying thought that people think they know me just by hearing the word borderline, and the world is far from that simple. I know about people who would think like that – that I would be what they read. But those people ain’t gonna have this much control over me anymore, because I am me and I actually quite like it.

Borderline to me and my life is about lack of trust because I really haven’t had a good reason to trust (and it’s extremely difficult to learn this when your an adult!), extreme sudden changes in mood and behavior, seeking control, triggers everywhere and how to deal with them, showing the worst and most insecure part of myself in close relationships, dysfunctional emotional regulation (two parts of my brain doesn’t speak that well together as they are suppose to, but I practice every day to make them work more smoothly), and sorting out what comes from within me and what comes from others?

Sometimes it feels like a sixth sense that is no good at all. But at long as I manage to sort out all of the things above, this “sense” is a huge gift to me. It makes me able to do, create and master big things.

My disorder is my main job. Really. To make my life work is my headliner every day. To be kind, soft and accepting towards myself also makes me a much better person for others to be around. It’s been a lot like hell. When I don’t want to wake up ever again – everything is black. Every thing you can imagine is not worth anything in that moment. And those moments have lasted for many days sometimes. It can take thirty seconds to turn everything upside down, and it can take thirty days to recover. Mental hospital and years of treatment. But god damn it – here I am, despite it all! So now I’m ready to steer my own ship and be a part of this magical journey in a way that I can handle.

Photo: my daughter, no one has ever captured me so happy, natural and with wind in my short hair 

This paragraph is so important that I hope some of you read it twice:

I know how important it can be to be met in the emotional state you’re in, I’m almost an expert here, because I know that one of the most destructive things you can do to someone is not to listen when they need it the most. It’s heartbreaking! You don’t have to agree or increase the drama, but you do a big positive difference to someone if you say something like “I understand you’re in a very difficult state of mind and feel very sad/ afraid/ angry/ devastated right now. It will get better even though it doesn’t feels like it this moment. What do you need right now?”. And very often I have seemed very angry, that’s what I show, but actually I’m so sad and afraid that I can’t stand on my feet. My emotions have made my legs paralyzed for hours, and it’s one of the most frightening things I know.

I want to learn my daughter and her generation, and hopefully my generation (and older ones) too, to not avoid the difficult emotions and let mental illnesses still be tabu. It is not OK! I want to speak up, I want an open dialogue, I want to be proud of myself and I want my daughter to be proud of me and be the bravest person she knows. I want her to talk about her difficulties, and I want her generation to talk together. Listen to each other, ask difficult questions, speak up. You might save someone!

Photo: my daughter

Where I’m at right now is practicing what to do with all the thoughts that arises all the time. Every brain wants to think, it’s natural, but what to do with the thoughts? Most important to me now is not to push thoughts away, but yet not follow them. To let them pass. Takes quite a lot of daily practice, I tell you!

… And I can tell a lot by someone by what they choose to see in me, and I have decided to focus on the humble and soft people who get it and who are listening. Thank you in advance for thinking twice before you post an inappropriate comment to this post.

 

You loving yourself

opens up windows and

doors that can never be

closed by outsiders without

permission.

-Alex Elle

 

If you care about an open dialogue and knowledge about mental health, I would be forever grateful if you shared this post in some way on your social channels. It will help me helping others <3

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I’M A REBEL!

19/04/2018

IN COLLABORATION WITH @REBELWALLS

You might knew already, that I’m a rebel? 😉 This time I can be it together with Rebel Walls, which fits me perfectly! It’s all about finding the best when you have to move, like I will have to do this summer, so what could be better than to have this wall mural on my new bedroom?

This mini version of Staircase from their new collection Second Moment is how my wall will look. Imagine that my bed is standing out from the gorgeous railing and with candle lights and old gold frames on my walls, and my jewelry laying on the nightstand… It makes me want to move today! My bedroom will be at “the end” of the apartment so you can see this mural from the living room and trough the kitchen, and make the whole apartment look even bigger and more intriguing. I will never close my bedroom door!

Rebel Walls have written a blogpost about me that made me blush, so head over here if you’re curious!

I’m so definitely going to frame several of these mini versions in my new home, I just have to find some more proper old frames first…

Just try to imagine everything that has happened between these walls – the laughter, cries, the rustling of skirts touching the stairs, the sound of steps and quiet whisperers. All mysteries and all the magic. All dreams that never came true – or the ones that did… What do these murals make you think or feel? I was also thinking of our house outside Prague that will be for sale soon too, so I have to admit that my work of interpret these murals felt very personal and touching…

There are more to come, because this is not the only wall that Rebel Walls (or should I say ceiling too!?) will take care of in my next home. I’m super excited, and I can only see one challenge: who in the world are to put them up? I would never dare to, so leave a comment if you take the job 😉 And jump back in here tomorrow, because my most personal blogpost ever is most likely coming up.. See you!

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LETTING GO, BODISH, SANNA AND SOFIA

15/04/2018

This morning when I woke up I draw a card from something called Inner Compass (more about which card later in this post), that I bought from the lovely Sanna at Bodish in Stockholm. She hasn’t opened yet, but she will open in May, great! Her place was filled with a calm and comforting energy, and I’m def going back to her when I visit Stockholm next time. Sofia took me there, she just knew Sanna and I would have some sort of a chemistry, and we did for sure.

 

Cutest, kindest…

I could have stayed like forever!

 

Conversations all the time. The kind of conversations I mentioned in yesterday’s post, remember? I soften…

Photographing, and some of Sofia’s photos from this visit you can see here.

This is the third day I use Inner Compass, and the first two days I draw the same card! And there’s many cards in the deck, believe me… Those days was all about taking everything step by step. I know there are some new readers in here now, so just let me tell you that I’m in the middle of a divorce, and you will understand my perspective a little better.

So, over to this mornings card: letting go. Let me write it all down to you, and maybe it can do some good for you too, I hope so. Here we go:

Letting go is a powerful act! Once you learn to let go, you can move ahead. You are no longer trapped in your own pain and problems. To let go is to surrender, and this starts with acceptance. From time to time you shall stumble and fall, and unwanted things are bound to happen. After all, hard lessons are part of being human. This you cannot change, but you can change the way you deal with adversity. Investigate what the real problem is, and how your ego might still be resting. As long as you listen to this voice of the ego, you will not be able to fully accept the problem or pain. Let go of control and the wisdom to overcome the unwanted will follow automatically. Maybe not the wisdom to solve it, but at least to detach yourself from it. Visualize your pain in a balloon that you let go and send away forever. Stop clinging. Letting go is an act of consciousness. It is a choice to be free of resentment. In order to reach your maximum potential you must learn to let go , this is the key to freedom.

I’m on my way, it will just take some time. Maybe a very long time. And during this time I want to visit Stockholm at least four times a year, and I should seriously look for a sponsor to make it happen 😉

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FRIDAY IN THE MIRROR

13/04/2018

My hair is shorter than ever. My clothes are black with a personal quote – have you ever regretted pleasing people? It’s from one of the songs on our second album. I’m lost in time, which means I’m working with something important constantly, but still there’s so much still to be done. Like blogging. Take photographs the way I like to photograph. Declutter and write mails. I take one step at a time, I think that’s the most important thing for my health and well being right now.

Today I were to tidy my bedroom, photograph it for the sale of the house, edit and send them. Deliver a key, do my daily morning routine and deal with a world filled with uncomfortable triggers. And my daughter got sick and had to stay home from school. But still I made it all, and at the same time I’ve been a very comforting and happy mother. She’s my best medicine right now.

There’s so much I want to tell you about the people I met in Stockholm. How I think about the fact that there might be some people around  in my neighborhood too that could match me just as good. The deep and personal conversations that never ends, the way we think business, the way I get inspired and greeted… That’s what I want in my life now: the amazing conversations. Without judgement and with curiosity and humbleness big time.  Those without filter, the honest ones, the crappy ones, the ones that touches my soul and heart, and those who comes from my heart and soul. I want to share with those who can take it. On Monday I have a phone meeting with someone important who can make this happen – letting me sharing more than ever, because I need to do it for others and myself, and I’m ready. I’ll get back to that.

I have so many photos from my days with Sofia and Lotta, and I will show you. Of course I will, I’ve just spent a little longer to get done than what I first thought. Still working on it. Loving to work on it since it brings me right back into something very special.

 

 

I’m very tired every night, and it’s fine. I’m not filled to the edge with anxiety, which is great. I’m still here despite it all, and I’m never to give up. There’s such a magical road every day, no matter what it brings. It doesn’t feel like it every second, actually far from it, but I want to try and see it all more as a mysterious journey.

My biggest task at the moment is to let the thoughts be just that – not deny them or push them away, and not instinctively follow the urge or craving to get lost in thoughts. It always ends up in something destructive if I do. That’s my Friday night thoughts, and thanks for being patient with me. I love to have you hanging around on my blog and Instagram. I wish you a soft and accepting weekend.

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SHORT ABOUT THE LAST (SOCIAL) DAYS

08/04/2018

The last days have been waaaay more social than usual, but it feels like a energy boost to meet up people who have a special place in you, and in this matter four very inspiring women. They’re people who I follow on their blog and Instagram, and you know what a blog can do with you, right? How it makes you drift off to somewhere else, another universe, another time and bring another feeling into your present. Make perspective, give you a sense that we’re all gathered in some way or another.

So check out these four women I’ve met the last days, and all the amazing photos and thoughts they share on their blogs and Instagram. While you do that I will pack my bags and clean the apartment  in Stockholm before I’m heading back home to Norway. To live alone… My feelings are all over the place today, because I can’t see where life’s taking me right now. I have to trust it will all work out.

I joined Sofia also the day after we had dinner with Kristin and Miranda (the photos below). After some strolling and lunch we took the train to the town where she and her adorable family lives, and I had the honour to stay over night. So grateful, I had a lovely relaxed and spoiled time! More about that and a bunch of photos from their home in a couple of days!

These two… The “For Good Luck” duo, wow how hard they work! I met them and Sofia for a dinner at Urban Deli, and yay how nice it was to meet up! You can find Mirandas rather new blog here and Kristin’s blog here, both have some photos from the dinner at their blogs if you want to see me and Sofia from this night as well 😉

 

And last but not least Lotta came from Gothenburg and we went out for some early dinner yesterday, and went back to the apartment to talk and do some work. She stayed over and we started the day with breakfast and photographing together, how nice!

Thanks for making it all so soft and kind everybody <3

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SOME CONCEPT PLANNING – PART II & CHAOS + WRAPPING GIFTS

05/04/2018

My lovely view while living my life here in Stockholm for some days…

The body and soul feels a little brighter and lighter today, and there’s some creative chaos going on. Like how to wrap gifts when you don’t have enough paper and not any left over kerchief? Well, you use the paper wrapped around new shoes, for example! And if you missed out on part I of my concept planning read it here.

 

 

 

I’m not one of those always bringing a gift, but I want to get better at it since I like to do it. To buy small things at thrift shops when I see something and my mind automatically thinks of someone who would love to get it. So that’s what I’ve done, plus buying some new things because I couldn’t resist, and I also brought a Gråblomst vinyl from home. The next three days I’ll give gifts to four amazing women and also a little something for everyone in a family of six which I’ll visit tomorrow (guess who?!) and also something for those who owns this apartment… Because they’re so kind with me 🙂

This table is where it all happens – gift wrapping, concept planning, blogging, reading, writing, eating, crying, you name it. And since I’m here all by myself my chaos lays around all the time, since it’s my home for only nine days. I hope I don’t end up doing the same “not tidying” when I get back home!

I were to share more of my concept planning, but it will be short, just always remember that my vision is to share and serve more. I thought part I was pretty good, and loooots of people were reading it, yay! There I  gave you the structured part of my brain written down! You should read that part to understand part II since I won’t repeat what I’ve already written… So, I’ve worked more on my plan, but mainly I have thought of when to do what. And there are one big thing that will decide most of the timing and schedule: my new home.

As you know I will be living in our house for a little longer, and the house will be out for sale late April. Right now I don’t know when the new owners are to take over the house (obviously…), and I don’t have an exact date on my new apartment. They are to renovate it, and they’re in lack of carpenters… And do I need to say it keeps me awake sometimes?! Estimated date was 1st of June, but I can just say good bye to that date, I think.

 

Anyway, to be able to serve you a brunch club in the tower I need my apartment! To host workshops and retreats I need time to gather people to work with and plan it all,  and get participants. Work like that takes months, so I will start to work on a collaboration around this very soon, hopefully!

But to start and share and serve more I can do this very second. I’m already at it, and my first step here will be a VIP letter where I give you some extra, something you can’t find anywhere else. More one-to-one, more possibilities, more of what you want and need basically. Also it will be free bees and competitions, topics and the possibility of signing up first when all this exciting stuff in my new concept is starting to happen.

Another thing I will start early summer is family photo sessions, and I’m about to find a family to test my concept on so I can show you what it’s all about. Really excited about that!

Music… Not many of my readers seem to be into music? Or the ones who are are very quiet! I don’t want to stop the music thing, and I will steer this ship on a very rough ocean myself, and I have no idea what it will end up like. More alternative is the route, but that’s all I know. I’ll spend a small amount of money to get what I need to record it all myself, and I do get some tricks in my sleeve, so I think I can do it. I think I will play around with that before I move out from the house.

Book and art collaboration as I mentioned in part I. Two projects which are very important to me, and I will work on it slowly in the months to come, not loosing the grip of it.

I feel calm about my new and “old” stuff going on, and it’s perfect to work on the time consuming planning while I live in the house alone (and with my daughter every other week, phew!). And when the apartment is ready, I am ready to pull of! And while I do all this planning I will start to send you my letters and reveal some secrets and special gifts and offers for you 😉

Also let me know if you want to live in my 85 square meter apartment in the middle of the town Hamar, Norway one week in October. I guess it’s hard to get someone to book long before the apartment is done, but maybe you are a little curious and think why not!? In that matter email me at contact@villabetula.com.

Now there’s about five hours until I’m having dinner with three big inspirational sources of mine, and my self doubt has been knocking on my door today. Like – why would they meet me? Am I interesting enough, special enough? More about my self doubt and dinner later this week…

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AND HOW THE RAIN AND I CRIED

04/04/2018

Today has been a day full of grief. Writing words down on paper, they’re made for him to read, but maybe I’ll be the only reader. Was on my way out to get my head onto something else by working on  my new concept, had just put  my jacket on. I lifted my bag up when the rain smashed against the window as sudden as my tears have burst down me cheeks endless times today. I don’t count, but I feel hopeless and brave at the same time.

These photos are from my Monday at the botanical garden…

 

 

 

 

The rain is still as I type, and my eyes are a little red and looks old, but I will put that bag up on my shoulder again. On my way out to refresh this soul of mine a little.

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MY OWN EMBROIDERY DESIGN AND MORE

03/04/2018

Hi Tuesday! Did you see my lack of eye make-up and wrinkled face on my stories today? I’m rambling more and more in front of the camera, and think it’s nice to show you a bit more of who I am. I have some issues about my skin from long time back, so it’s not like I’m putting it all out there. But with more acceptance comes more confidence too.

I was not to talk about skin, but embroidery. A while ago Sofia wrote about bag-all and Jennifer, which resulted in me starting to follow Jennifer’s blog. So I brought a couple of tees from home to get my own text on them! Great idea, right? I had many text ideas, and didn’t make up my mind before I was standing in front of the embroidery machine today. First was a pink tee which got love me not in red, I love it. Quite a statement though… And next had to be gold who are you without them on black. Yes, who are you really without them?

 

Some very deeply wanted dark blue converse for my daughter, and actually a “converse bag” from bag-all for her too. She will be so excited, she’s not used to get things like this on an “every day”. With things like this I mean things that she could live without, like an extra pair of shoes. But yes. I wanted to say yes this time. Well, she won’t know until I get back home 😉

And the only thing I knew I where to buy here was shoes for myself. Maybe sneakers, but I’m not a sneakers person anymore, really, haven’t been in years. I love old worn leather shoes. So I ended up with leather, but I’m still confused about my own choice to get white! It was a type of Dr. Martens I have not seen before (but I’m not very up to date on anything). They look like the original ones, those I walk with almost all winter. But these are one third of the weight and look slightly different, they are so comfortable that I’ll probably get along with them. Maybe even love them, I just have to be able to see myself with white shoes first.

Ok ok ok… I’ve spent too much today. I compensate by eating and drinking very little coffee outside. I make food and coffee in the apartment almost all the time, which is nice for my wallet. That made it possible to buy my first Nygårdsanna shirt, right? I know this will be one of those garments that I will use year after year, so much that  people will notice, and my daughter will let me know she’s tired of it. I even got an easter-goodie-bag, and it was so so so cute, and I love the pattern. Will keep it forever.

Blue doesn’t get prettier than this one. Some day I will put it on and show you!

 

 

 

At bag-all I also bought this padded bag for my camera for times when I just want to throw it quick in to a regular bag, and not my rather big camera bag. Very practical and needed, I usually put a scarf around it and it drives me mad!

And this Rupi Kaur book, of course. I think I’ve “read it all” on the internet, but this one is a must have. Not sneak on the internet if you are not thinking to buy it – the writers, musicians, painters, everybody who work with their creativity, deserves to sell to keep up their amazing work.

Gosh, can’t believe I show myself in so little clothes, ha ha, this is as undressed as you will get me! 😉 I was trying on the two embroidery tees and my Nygårdsanna shirt, that’s why. I’m not a singlet person either,  I always wear some kind of sleeve. The skin thing again. Which I’ll might talk about later. Now I have about 40 hours to decide which of these three I’ll wear under my blazer when I’ll meet three fabulous and inspiring women Thursday night. I’ll bring my camera (in my new padded mini-bag obvs) and show you later who these people are… Well, let me tell you one of them is Sofia. Can’t wait to meet her again!

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ABOUT ME

I do and share things by heart. I create personal texts, am a musician, sell original art and prints, make a special home and capture the magic with my camera – everything rather dark hued. Villa Betula is not just skimming the tops.

And by the way - my name is Maren Ingeborg Gråblomst and I’m Norwegian. Gråblomst means grey flower.

Feel free to comment on my posts and get in touch for collaborations or other inquiries at contact@villabetula.com

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