Just about everything is overwhelming at times, and it keeps me from doing things I love – photographing, writing this blog, make paintings and music, eat healthier, enjoy life. Sometimes I don’t care about any of these. Fooled by my thoughts and tossed around by my emotions.
We all have them – emotions. Some more than others. To feel they come and not have the time to do something about them before it’s too late. Stuck. Fear. Fight or flight. Or trying to ride the wave. Stay where you are. It’s far from simple, and I need lots of practice and courage. Don’t break trough the wave, don’t fight it, but float on top of it. Up and up it goes, worse and worse it gets, but trust its ability to fade out.
This summer I’ve gathered the feeling of standing and walking in freezing waves, and how it grounded me. I miss the ocean, I need to live by it. It helped me to register my body sensations and identify my action urge (obviously get out of the cold water), but don’t act on my urge. To be free to choose! Notice my breathing and tears down my cheeks and don’t judge them as something bad. To offer myself some kindness.
And when the waves pass I’m “back here” again, tired and fragile. Sometimes it feels like I’ve crossed a whole sea. Back on shore I find my treasures again – my dreams and my love. My biggest dream is a little castle, which I’m convinced is out there somewhere. Just waiting for me to find it. Inside of it I will (together with my husband) paint it in dark hues, photographing, make huge paintings, make music, have both an atelier and a recording studio, write and share and make a book. While I wait for my castle I will just do those things right here where I am right now.
It won’t be perfect, but it will be pretty. Pretty awesome and different. And I feel lucky right now.